Sunday, December 2, 2018

Enough vs. Plenty


Hello Invisible Audience,

I am going to admit something major: I am not perfect.

This is hard to say, because I try really hard to present myself as if I am. It’s hard to say, because I struggle a lot with living up to my own expectations for myself, which are much more stringent than the expectations that anyone else would put on me. I find myself having arguments with myself all the time: well, Morgan, you don’t have kids, so you clearly have more time than most people you know. You’re sitting here writing, so you could be working instead. It’s not really that much extra work, is it? You can just do it.

Frankly, Invisible Audience, that’s an exhausting way to live. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way – there are a number of people I know who struggle with the same issues. A lot of us hear a common rejoinder: it’s enough. What you’re doing is enough. But you know what, Invisible Audience? I’ve always hated that answer. Because enough seems like just barely enough to get by. I am a writer after all, so I get really hung up in the details and literal translations. Enough is just…not enough. I want plenty. I want people to know that I have accomplished plenty today. Not just enough, but more than enough – enough for it to satiate, to overflow, for it to be more than enough.

Is this overkill? I think not, Invisible Audience. You see, it feels like I’ve been told forever that I should be grateful for what I have, even when it hasn’t felt like there was enough. There are starving children in Africa, after all, and we should all be really lucky for what we have. The only way I’ve ever been able to wrap my head around how lucky I feel, though, is when I think about what I have in terms of plenty.

I have plenty of food.
I have plenty of friends.
I have plenty of work to do that pays me.
I have plenty of love from my cat at 6 am, before I am ready to get up.

For some reason, plenty works better for me than enough. And lately, I’ve been enjoying plenty of everything: plenty of work, plenty of friendships, and plenty of things that take up my time. I do wish for plenty of rest, but I’m working on that, Invisible Audience. I’m working on it being ok to not have a plan, or an objective, every minute of every day.  
It used to be that I had a lot of health issues that would keep me from being as productive as I wanted to be. It’s been a long, long journey, but I’m finally to the point where I have the energy to work, so now it’s about creating a different expectation for myself. I want it to be ok to not have to work all the time. I want it to be ok to have more fun; revel in more sunsets; spend more time looking at the stars.

But for now, I have plenty, Invisible Audience. And that’s all I want to ask for.

Love and plenty of kisses,
Morgan