Sunday, November 18, 2018

It's Time.

Hello, Invisible Audience.

You wouldn’t know it from my radio silence, but I’ve been thinking about you. I think about writing a lot – truth be told, I do actually write a lot, although clearly not much here, in this space, to you. It’s been years since I wrote to your regularly, and quite awhile since I even wrote to you at all.

I’m not sure if this will be the start of more regular writing, but I am a big believer in divine timing, and I woke up a couple days ago with a thought: it’s time. It’s time to write again, out loud.

There are a lot of reasons I haven’t before now. I could tell you all of them, but really, the details aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things. I remember reading once that Joanne Harris, one of my favorite authors, stopped writing a book once to have a baby. She said she could either birth the baby or the book, and chose her daughter first. She finished and published the book later. No, I haven’t had any children since I last wrote, but certainly I have birthed a lot in the interim. But I digress. This post isn't about why I wasn't writing. It’s about right now, and how now it's time to start again.

I have to admit that I imagined I’d be different when I wrote again. When I thought about it, I thought I would be writing from a place of burning passion; as a warrior who has conquered her fears and her foes and stands ready to impart words of wisdom on those who need the encouragement. Well, that’s not what I feel. Instead, I acutely feel the chaos of the world we’re living in. I hate news feeds and news because it makes me feel helpless and hopeless. Many days I want to crawl in a hole and wait for the world to right itself before I come out again. Nevertheless, it feels like it’s time to write again, so maybe that’s never what I was supposed to be anyway. Instead of having aspirations as a leader, all I can muster is a distinct inability to follow anymore. I no longer hear someone speak with conviction and assume they know what they’re talking about. Instead, I take their words and hold them up to my own idea of right and wrong -- to my ideas of integrity, compassion and bravery -- and I see if they gel. And frankly, I find that I’m gelling less and less with what I hear around me – from anyone. Maybe that means nothing…or maybe it’s the biggest sign of growth I’ve ever had.

It’s tough for me to feel like I don’t have all the answers, or a way forward. It’s tough to stand in the middle of the fire and hope that there’s a way through and a way out, even if I don’t yet know what it is. It’s hard for me to say, “It’s time, I know it. I know it’s time to write out loud,” and yet feel like I have nothing noteworthy or inspiring to say. My biggest realization for this first post is simply this: I’m here. I’m confused. I’m scared. Also, I’m hopeful.

Is that enough, Invisible Audience? It will have to be. Cheryl Strayed said once that it’s no writer’s job to write the bestselling novel; instead, it is our job to write the shitty first draft. Well, here it is. It’s time. I don’t know what for, but I know that my words must once again be written out loud. For now, that has to be enough.

Love and just in time kisses,