This has not been the summer I hoped for.
Although bit by bit I have felt better, I can’t say I am feeling absolutely fantastic. I had hoped that a summer of not having much on the agenda would have given space to a fair amount of creativity and productivity, but it hasn’t happened.
· I still have a finished novel that I need to send out to more agents.
· I am still not sure if I want to continue my Spanish teaching business long term.
· I still need naps nearly every day.
· I’m not writing to you as often as I would like to.
· My car still needs the kind of deep cleaning that involves removing the seats.
· I’m still not hiking much, and definitely not near as much as I want to.
But here’s the problem: I tend to focus on the ways I’m failing instead of the ways I’m still managing to make forward progress. I walk around any given day, vacillating between trying to get myself to do more and trying to convince myself that the amount I have done is enough.
And in many ways, what I can do is not enough, Invisible Audience. I cannot work enough to make ends meet at the moment. I have an online job that is easy to log in and do anytime I want, but I can’t stare at my laptop for more than a couple hours before I start to get a headache. And my right hip and left foot have been acting up, making it difficult to do a job that requires any amount of physical work, including just standing for long periods of time.
I sound like a wreck, don’t I? But that’s the thing: I am a wreck, but not a complete wreck. I am struggling, but not exactly failing.
I decided to continue to run my Spanish classes for the next school year, partly because of the social aspect it provides that is a necessary part of my life, and mostly because there is demand for it and people are willing to pay me for the work. When I combine that with the online work, I have the resources to cover most of the bills, for the most part. It’s not enough, but it’s something.
My foot and my hip hurt (especially when I sleep) and I can’t hike as much as I want to, but I’ve discovered that swimming, the Peloton bike at the gym and yoga all help, and I haven’t been crashing after exercise the way I had been for months. It’s not enough, but it’s something.
I still need naps every day, but I can get up in the morning and get a fair amount of things done before lunch, which is good because there’s something about eating lunch that makes my body crash into a hard nap. It pretty much ruins my productivity the rest of the day. It’s not enough, but it’s something.
My car still needs a deep clean, but today I loaded a bunch of stuff into a neighbor’s truck to donate to a local fire department yard sale, including stuff I’d cleaned out of my closet that I’d been holding onto for years. It’s not enough, but it’s something.
I don’t have enough, Invisible Audience. At this rate, I will never be able to retire. If I have to go into assisted living when I’m old, I won’t have the money to do it. I can’t make enough to make a different choice at the moment. It’s not enough. But I do put a small amount into retirement every month. It’s something.
I have a lot of debt—most of it related to medical costs. It will take me a long time to pay it off, and in the meantime, it makes it hard to make ends meet. It’s not enough. But I still have a 100 percent track record for making payments on time. It’s something.
I will never have enough to own a house at this rate. But I have an amazing place that I rent and absolutely love. It is something. It is more than a lot of people can say at the moment.
I struggle with saying what I need in relationships, but I still have wonderful friendships with people I can lean on and show up for me. It is something necessary and essential that I am grateful for every day.
I am not writing as much as I want to—I am not prioritizing sending my finished book out to agents. But I am still writing some to my Patreon patrons, and to you, here, today.
It is not enough, but it is something.
Love and something kisses,
Morgan
