It’s been a long time. It’s been even longer since I wrote to you on a regular basis, although—believe me—I’ve thought about you often.
I’ve alluded to the fact that I’ve gone through a lot in the last several years. I haven’t really talked specifically about it much because they’ve been some really big, hard changes, and they’ve affected every single aspect of my life. They’ve been so big that it’s been hard to write, because I wonder who’s going to read it, and I’ve been censoring myself as a protective measure, but at a pretty big cost.
I haven’t felt like I’ve been authentically me in a lot of aspects of my life, Invisible Audience. Partly it’s because I’ve felt too raw to share what I’ve been going through, because of the feedback I may receive. I’ve also been physically sick and tired as well. But writing out loud has always been cathartic for me, and not doing it hurts in its own way. I look back on some of my posts from Panama and I can see how much I was able to process what I was going through in my writings to you. Then I had to stop. I moved back to the States and with everything I was going through it all became too much to keep track of.
I’m in Mexico at the moment; I’m here for the summer. It’s the longest I’ve been abroad for many years, and it’s brought something that I hoped it would. Within 10 days of arriving, I finished the second draft of a book I’ve been working on for 14 years. I hadn’t picked it up since March, then suddenly I had the energy and the drive to bust through the last parts once I got out of my house—out of my country—and into another one. This is no coincidence. This is how I operate. I keep trying to convince myself it’s not true, but it is. I need to be somewhere strange and new and exciting to feel creative. I haven’t been in a place mentally to do that in a long time, but here I am now, with a finished second draft and an idea that involves you.
For a long time, it felt ok to just write personal things about my life out loud to anyone who wanted to hear them. Then it didn’t. Not long after it didn’t feel so good anymore, I started letting go of some relationships that weren’t serving me. A couple years ago, I pared down my Facebook friend list and changed my posts so not just anyone could see them. I started a private Facebook group where I basically just post memes that I like—as millennial as it seems, there’s more of what I really think and feel and consider important in that group than there is of me on my profile where my 600+ friends can see what I post. Only approved people can follow me on Instagram, too. And now, Invisible Audience, I’ve realized that there’s a way I can bring some of you with me into a place where I can write and feel safe to do so.
I have started a Patreon account. If you’ve never heard of Patreon, it’s a place where creators post their work and “patrons” can pay for the privilege of reading or consuming it. It also means I can act as a gatekeeper and remove any patrons that I prefer not to have hear what I have to say.
Don’t worry Invisible Audience! Chances are you aren’t one of the people I would feel compelled to remove. And also, I will still be posting blogs publicly that are accessible to anyone for free. For the deeper stuff, however, the more authentic version of me with all my vulnerabilities hanging out for all to see, you’re going to have to invest a bit in my process.
And hey, your investment means I get some money for my time and honesty! Win-win! ;)
The plan is to start posting once a week again. Every other post (as in every other week) will be published here and free for anyone who wants to read it. All other posts will be linked to here but will only be available to Patreon patrons. Please consider becoming one.
Love and authentic kisses,
Morgan
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