Saturday, October 21, 2023



Hello Invisible Audience,


It’s here—it’s finally arrived. It feels like I’ve been fighting toward this moment for years, and it’s been an ugly, brutal fight, but it’s finally here.




The last time I wrote, I had had a pretty big breakthrough about how it wasn’t working—about how my life as I have it set up is simply not sustainable. I am no closer to knowing the right way to move forward, but that realization seemed to be the first step in getting me to this moment.


This moment is where I have finally accepted that many of the things that I was trying to control are not controllable.


This moment where I finally give up trying to change the world so I feel safer.


This moment where I finally decide that the only way forward is to change myself to find that safety.


I know it’s been a bumpy ride, following me through this process. And I want to thank you, Invisible Audience, if you’ve stuck around this long. There’s a part of me that has hated sharing every resentful, pissy moment with you, but it also felt necessary, because so much of my life I’ve hidden those moments from others and myself. There’s a saying that I’ve heard that feels apropos here: let go or be dragged. Before I could let go, I feel like I had to let myself be dragged for quite a while first.


I’m tired. I’m sick. I’ve tried so many things to try and get better, Invisible Audience, and a lot of my resentment has come from doing everything anyone told me to do, only to remain sick, or have a new ailment or injury come up.


But do you know what I didn’t do? Check in with myself while doing those things to see if they were working, or if they felt good to me. Not felt good in a “cotton-candy-and-lollipops” sort of way; felt good in a “oh-shit-this-is-scary-and-painful-but-I-can-see-it’s-helping sort of way.” Because I think that’s something that people lose sight of in all of the memes and coaching packages and spiritual gurus and everything else that we have to contend with these days.


·      There are the things that feel good and are good for me, like a great conversation with a friend I trust.

·      There are the things that feel good but ultimately are a way to hide from my feelings and aren’t good for me, like venting to someone about how someone else hurt my feelings with no plan to address that issue with said person

·      There are the things that feel terrible in the moment that ultimately help, like learning to have those conversations where I address my grievance with someone, even though it terrifies me and makes me feel like I’m going to die

·      There are the things that feel terrible and ARE TERRIBLE for me, which include traditional meditation, milk, toxic positivity, people who think that there’s one way we should all behave to be happy and people who think that if I just did what they’d done I’d feel better


The theme that goes through all of this—not to mention straight through my last post and all the way through this one—is that I had been taught that if I just followed the rules, I’d live happily ever after. I’ve been pissed and resentful as I’ve tried to do that very thing over and over again and it just hasn’t. fucking. worked.


I know, I know, Invisible Audience. That’s the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


Well, I’ve been insane. And it’s time to look straight into that and make different decisions.


 The world has felt a lot scarier since this all came down, Invisible Audience. I’m terrified now that I’ve removed the blinders I’ve had on; now that I realize in a way that I didn’t before that, as much as I hate it, I’m the only one with the power to save me. But with that terror comes some relief, because it feels like I’m finally seeing the forest through the trees. And at least now I can see the paths that are really available to me instead of running myself into a tree trunk over and over again, waiting for it to become a door.


Love and accepting kisses,



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