On the surface, this past year has seemed to be one of the
hardest of my life. On the surface, I have never felt that I looked more lost.
On the surface, I have often felt that I have little to recommend me. On the
surface that may be true, but perhaps just to me.
Almost every day, I catch myself thinking that I should be
something else that I’m not: more settled, more secure, more mature maybe? I
have friends around me that are married, having children, in good jobs. I see
these things, and I think, “I am doing something wrong because I don’t have
these things.” From somewhere deep inside comes something else, a faint voice
that is nevertheless fully audible: “Says who?”
There is no one that tells me to my face that I am doing
something wrong – that my erratic path doesn’t seem to be the right one; that I
had better knock it off and get down to business. No one says that to me, but I
find myself imagining that there are plenty of people thinking it. I am finally
tired of making room for these people in my head, when none of them have
actually asked to be there, and none were consciously invited in.
I was recently at a dinner where a woman was lamenting her
son-in-law following his dream of being a musician. He builds houses, but
hasn’t been able to find much work in the recession, so he took advantage of
the situation and has started putting his energy into his music. He’s no
small-time player, either: he’s been touring the country, opening for Bon Jovi
and other well-known bands. With investments and other sources of income, he is
still providing for his family financially. The problem is, however, that while
he’s touring, his wife is working a full-time job and raising their three
children at home. Although he is aware of how hard this is on her, the fact of
the matter is that he’s not there.
When I first heard this story, I wanted to take his side.
The courage to get up and follow your dream is hard to gather, and I
found myself angry at his wife (and mother-in-law) for not understanding. Then
I thought about how hard it has to be for her to still be married but
essentially raising the children by herself. I have decided that I don’t need
to pick sides in this situation, because there is no right answer: both people
have their reasons, and both are right. Fortunately, I don’t even know them,
and even if I did, it’s not my problem to fix.
I am lucky enough not to have this problem. I have many,
many dreams, but one big one: to write a book about the life I have led over
the past four years: all its trials and tribulations and what I have learned.
Although I feel a need to write this to process it for myself, I also hope that
what I have to say might somehow help others in similar situations.
I do not have to worry about taking care of my family while
I strive for my goal; I do not have to worry about the selfishness of making a
decision that might negatively affect those around me. Although my friends may
miss me when I disappear for months or years at a time, none of them need me to
feed them while I’m gone, and none of them rely on me alone for emotional
support.
I have often wondered at the way my life has turned out up
to this point. In my low moments, I have wondered why I’m so unlovable, so
unable to make a commitment that, when seemingly everyone else is in a relationship,
I am alone. Often I have wondered why I can't settle into the lives that other people have, even when a part of me knows that I don't necessarily want that kind of existence; that I am not capable of enjoying it. Instead of worrying about this, I am making a decision to accept
that it happened for a reason: so that I would have the time, space and freedom
to create what I need to create.
So, in rewriting my inner dialogue to better accept this
plan, here are the things I have accomplished this last year, on my very unique
and adventurous journey:
I finished and published a second cookbook!
Savoring Leavenworth introduced me to many amazing people, some fantastic food, and has
taught me even more about publishing, marketing and the satisfaction of
creating a product that people enjoy.
I am infinitely healthier than I was
at this time last year,
when I couldn’t eat anything, and was trying to recover from four different
stomach problems. I have learned what my body does and doesn’t want to eat, and
when I listen to it (which is happening much more often than previously) I live
an amazing and active life.
I have made many friends that I share great conversations,
experiences and laughs with in Wenatchee and Leavenworth and beyond.
I have learned how to say no when it will be better for me,
and yes when it makes my heart sing.
Related to the last one, I have learned that almost any
problem can be solved with solid, healthy communication, where I state what I
want instead of wondering why the people around me can’t read my mind.
I have learned the power of positive thinking, of reaching
out to the people who can support me in times of crisis, and that burying my
feelings and emotions in a dark hole just means that they start to rot and
stink and eventually must be dug up and allowed to air out.
Most of all, I have learned what unconditional love looks
like, and that I have to love myself unconditionally,
despite all the fears and doubts I have, in order to step forward with confidence and pursue my dreams.
So there you have it, invisible audience. I am going to
continue on my merry way of living the adventurous life I have to live, and I
thank you for your support. I wish you the best of luck on your own journey,
and please know that I support it, whatever it is, whether I say it out loud or
not.
Love and adventure kisses
Morgan
